how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
