My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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