her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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