You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
