Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
