I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I will be naked everywhere
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
