hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
