You're my little dorito
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
