Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
