i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
