Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Four minutes until I can fart!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
