I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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