She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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