Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
