I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
