There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
