She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
