when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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