It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
