I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
