when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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