I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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