barbara walters just said penis...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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