my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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