god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Randomize
