Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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