Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just puked most of my soul out..
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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