If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
