I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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