I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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