Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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