Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
