I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
