Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
