You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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