I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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