this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
