SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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