Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
