i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
