meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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