Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
