They should really pass out barf bags in church
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
