Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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