where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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