Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
