I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
