"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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