I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
