uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve