He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
