So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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