I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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