I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
