dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
