I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
