I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
