I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
