There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
