I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
